The Reunion

I never know whether my general pessimism or intuition should get the credit when I get to say “You were right” to myself.It really is an awful choice to make if you think about it, and thanks to anxiety I’m an over-thinker. So I’ve thought about it.

From every angle.

Repeatedly.

On the one hand, if general pessimism gets the credit, then that means I was right not to trust someone. If it is generalized pessimism, then that means someone didn’t cross the already low bar that were my expectations. I’m not sure if that makes general pessimism my default setting or not.

Here is where it gets confusing: is it intuition or are you just heeding warning signs when you see them? And further, if you see all the warning signs that someone is about to disappoint you in a profound way, is that because you have been screwed so many times before (that you start to recognize patterns)? OR are you noticing what might be out of character behavior that would validate your suspicions?

(Wait, is that just general pessimism?)

I am so confused.

Two and a half months ago.

Our last interaction was confusing. Was the unwavering eye contact as you made the statement “I’ve had women think I’m their boyfriend after a few dates” meant to convey something? We’ve never been on a date. Have we? I don’t recall you asking me out ever. Was the pointed kiss on the cheekn, which you only did when we were alone,  meant to convey something? 

 

A week and a half ago.

The text you sent saying that you may have a party said you’ll let me know. I thought it was weird you texted out of the blue after a long absence. I mustered my courage to say that I missed you, that I was looking forward to seeing you soon, that I was depending on you to help me center myself since you’re familiar and grounding to me.

A few days ago.

When I texted you something random, you responded via a series of texts that I now imagined you hurriedly typed out because you were in damage control mode. Through awkward sentence breaks you informed me that you ‘had’ just the ‘night before’ decided to have a party, and that I was ‘welcome to roll through.’ My instant feeling of being an afterthought was compounded by getting that ‘invite’ three hours before the party. As I drove home that afternoon, the ‘is this general pessimism or intuition’ began their battle. I had an answer to a question I didn’t think to ask.

Reunited.

When I saw you, I realized you never respected me. In those few moments when we made eye contact, yours were steeled against my imploring looks. A barrier had been put up where there was none before.

Can you see why I am confused? Every moment we shared, every secret I confided, every brick of the walls I surround myself with that you took down all seem inconsequential now. As I put the bricks in their original place, I wonder how big a fool I must have looked to you, and if they will ever come down again.

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